Itachi
by LostProcess
Summary: WARNING: Ultimate crakfic. If you read this, you will never be able to look at Itachi the same way again.
1. Chapter 1

"From the moment you picked up this crack-fic, you were cursed. Now, I'm going to present two choices to you." He held out his hands, revealing a blue pill and a red pill. "Choose the blue pill, and you go back to your normal life. You will forget everything that you've seen here...You will be safe. Or choose the red pill, and see just how deep the rabbit hole goes." He notices you reaching for the red pill. "But be warned, if you choose the red pill, you can never return to your normal life." ... "Ok then, let's begin."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Itachi, are you sure about this?"

"Yeah Kisame. There's no other way."

"Okay then. Start the procedure."

Itachi heard the whirl of much-used machinery.

"Kisame."

"Yes?"

"When I wake up, don't be there."

"...Huh?"

"I'm serious. I want you as fucking far away as possible."

"I promise Itachi. I won't be anywhere near you."

Itachi smiled.

"Thanks."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"There was a problem."

"Are you sure?"

"Well just look at him."

"Oh, I see."

"We'll leave him alone for now."

"Yes. There's nothing more we can do."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Itachi woke in a white room, a thin sheet running the length of his body. Under the sheet he could feel that he had a robe on. He lifted an arm, and stretched it towards the antiseptic smelling ceiling...but then bumped it on the sheet on top of him...which smelled also of antiseptic.

"Ugh." he muttered as he sat up, putting on his eye-shaped slippers.

"I need to find a mirror." he said to himself. He took a good look of the room he was in. Black splashed one wall, red covered another, and white covered the other two. He saw a door in the fourth wall and walked to it, opening it to find a bathroom.

"Oh, and guys?" The walls turned to look at him. "You can go home now." Being freed from their wall-like prisons, the Africans, Indians, and Caucasians all left the room.

Now, with the overbearingness of being alone, Itachi plinked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Lucky enough, there was a full length mirror in the wall opposite him. He looked for about two seconds, and then bled his eyes out.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Police officer Nara, this is deputy Asuma. Anything new to report?" Came a voice from a nearly broken walkie-talkie.

"Nope. There are no traces of the suspect anywhere in town. And his family hasn't seen anything either. I'm starting to think this guy's a lost cause." Nara pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it, letting the fumes fumigate his car.

"Is that so? Well then, there's only one thing left to do..."

"And what is that?" He passed by a cross dresser parading on the sidewalk. "What a drag" he muttered, loud enough so that only he could hear.

"Well, we have to review everything that we know about this case, of course."

"Oh, well that makes sense."

"All right. First incident, the 23rd. A Mr. Itachi Uchiha took twenty thousand dollars out of his bank account. Four hours after that, he was spotted in the ghetto districts, pumpin' some fly with a junkie."

" Okay." Nara stated. "all that implies is that he's doing a drug deal."

"I know. But the next part...4:30 P.M. the 24th, he was seen by our detectives walking out of a well-renowned medical hospital, carrying a briefcase that they supposed to be empty."

"Why did they suppose it to be empty?"

"What? Oh, he threw it away."

"Actually," Nara cut in, "why were your men tailing him in the first place?"

"Well...all right. Well, some guys heard a rumor that he never blinks, so they followed him around to see if he ever did. You know, to have those staring eye contests where only one of you know that it actually is a staring eye contest."

"No I don't know."

"Anyway, that's the reason. On to evidence number three."

Nara turned his car onto Lakeview Road, following no apparent course.

"And what is evidence number three?" He said.

"Evidence number—that a Mr. Itachi Uchiha checked into the same medical hospital as before!"

"...And after that?"

"Well, that's were my screen goes blank. It crashed yesterday, so I lost most of my files."

"Check in your left drawer." He heard sounds of some one rustling through...something. Then he heard the sound of someone filing his nails.

"Thanks Nara. I would've never found these if it weren't for you."

"No problem."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Itachi stumbled his way through the streets of downtown Konoha. He had wrapped himself fully in bandages, appearing to be a mummy. He kept stumbling until he found a door. It looked like an ordinary door, so he opened it. Suddenly, he was being lifted through the doorway by a giant hand.

The hand placed him in a chair. And then put a smoke in his mouth and walked away. Before he could get a look at his surroundings, a bright light shone in his eyes, blinding him.

"What have you done, Itachi? The mob isn't very pleased with you. We're your family,right?" said an imposing voice.

Itachi nodded, still unable to see. He shut his eyes, and could make out the faint outline of someone against the light.

"Besides, I'm pretty sure Jashin isn't too happy with you either. If we'd let you wander out there for too much longer, the queen would've cut off Jashin's head. And what's with the ridiculous bandages? I can't see the shape of your lovely body with them on." The voice whistled, and Itachi heard the sound of footsteps approaching.

"Hey Sasuke, you're the best cutter I know. Cut those bandages off of Itachi."

Itachi felt his bandages being cut off. Then, he heard the gasp of everyone in the room—well, at least he thought it was a room. Could've been an office, or a space noun used to exemplify a space with a lot of emptiness.

"Holy fuck Itachi. What the hell happened to you?" Itachi glanced around the room, not seeing anyone because of the light.

"Well...I got this operation." he spat out, not willing to admit the reason though.

"An operation? You call that job an operation? Looks more like the sky got mad and decided to throw up chunks of burning flesh from the sky that then proceeded to attack you." The rest of the room was silent after this last remark.

"..." Itachi stood up. He found the nearest door, and stepped half way through before a pair of hands held him back.

"Itachi," said a soothing voice in his ear " you don't really want to go out there, do you? That door leads to the subway system darling." Itachi turned around to see his slave, Hatake Kakashi, holding him. "And besides," Kakashi went on "you REALLY don't want to go out there looking like that."

Itachi just stared at him. Kakashi seemed to melt under the pressure of his gaze. "Why are you here, Kakashi?"

Kakashi seemed relieved that it wasn't a threat...well... "Kisame sent me. He said you'd be lonely without someone to keep you company. You know," Kakashi leaned in close to his ear "_sexual_ company."

Itachi stepped back and looked at Kakashi. "...Come with me. The train from Love station leaves in half an hour." He turned to Hidan. "Sorry boss, but I have to go."

Hidan stifled his slowly appearing nosebleed, and nodded his head. "That's probably for the best. Here'

s some money for the train. It's all ones, but that should do."

Itachi took the money. "Thank you." With that he grabbed Kakashi's hand and went out through the door, stepping into the subway.

He boarded the next train, and the subway faded into the distance.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"...Nara."

"Yeah fucker?" Nara said after rubbed his eyes free of that post-sleep stuff.

"...You weren't supposed to mention that." Asuma's voice was distant.

Nara blinked into his phone. "...Sure. Anyway, what do you want?"

Asuma's voice regained it's usual bounce. "We just got another lead!"

Nara blinked again. "What was that? Lead? Like for a pencil?"

"No dumbass, lead. Rhymes with peed, and weed."

"...YOU weren't supposed to mention THAT." Nara exclaimed.

Asuma blinked. "Oh, my bad."

"...Just tell me what's up."

"Alright. We have reports saying Itachi was spotted in the downtown area in the subway. They say he boarded the train with another man. This man has silver hair and apparently only one eye. I say apparently because he had a cloth over his left eye, so our scouts couldn't confirm if he was a One-eye."

"A One-eye? This could get serious if Itachi's traveling with a One-eye. We have to catch him."

"That's agreed. Oh, and our scouts managed to get one more important detail."

Nara lit a cigarette and rolled down the window in his car, letting the smoke waft out into the street. "Yeah, what is it?" he said through the cigarette.

"Apparently, Itachi can blink."

"The bastard!" You sure?" Nara said as if he didn't really care.

"Yeah, though, the information could be false because apparently our scouts were busy looking at something else." Asuma's voice sounded thoughtful.

"What were they staring at?" Nara tapped his cigarette on the side of his car.

"...They wouldn't say."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"For dry, red eyes try... this product stimulates the tear ducts in your eyes, so in case a loved one dies, you'll be able to weep for them." Itachi stared at the television in the train. It looked like a 24", and was in a black steel casing.

"Why must they have such horrid things in a place like this?" he said to no one in particular.

Kakashi glanced over at him. They were seated side-by-side on a small bench in the train, so they were nearly sitting on each other's laps. "...I don't know." at that moment a phone rang, and Kakashi reached into his pocket and pulled his out. "Hello?"

"Kakashi, it's me Hidan. Turns out the feds know you're on the train. You've got to get out of there or Jashin help me, they'll kill you." Hidan's voice sounded panicked.

"Hold on. Calm yourself. Now Hidan, take a deep breath." He heard an intake of air on the other side of the phone. "Good. Now, why do you think they're going to kill us?"

"Because, they know you're a One-eye."

Kakashi dropped the phone. He stood up, and looked around. Through the door to the next car, he could see figures dressed in black heading towards him. He turned back to Itachi.

"Time to go." He said and grabbed Itachi's arm, or so he thought. Itachi screamed. Kakashi looked down at Itachi and saw what his hand was attached to. He quickly pulled his hand away.

"Oh dear Kami!" He froze for a second. "But now is not the time to dwell on that."

Itachi glared at him. "What do you fucking mean dwell?!?! You just grabbed my fucking--" he was silenced by Kakashi's hand over his mouth. "Not now."

Kakashi kicked the side of the train, causing it to bend. He spared a glance that told him the men were nearly at the door. He kicked the side a few more times, and it fell off right as the train was about to stop for the next platform. He grabbed Itachi and jumped through the hole, running as fast as he could to get out of that place.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

There was a time upon a time that something happened. This chapter was only a part of it. If you dare, stick around for what chapter two will offer you.

Best chapter quotes:

"And his family didn't see anything either."

"Before he could get a look at his surroundings, a bright light shone in his eyes, blinding him"

"Hey Sasuke, you're the best cutter I know"

And finally:

"This could get serious if Itachi's traveling with a One-eye."


	2. Chapter 2

The man ambled into a large diner, ordering a small coffee with two big sugars. A waitress came by his table, and asked him what he would like.

"I would fucking like chapter two already." The waitress nodded and began to strip. In a large black tattoo on her left breast were the words "chapter two".

The man plucked the words off her skin and clung them to his chest, muttering to himself his good fortune. Unfortunately, he was too sidetracked by his getting chapter two that he was hit by a car in the middle of the road. Flapping wildly, the words flew out of his hands. As he died, he spotted two sharp red eyes regarding him, and a faint voice that sounded like it said:

"He's no use. He never did have enough hatred. Oh well, Kakashi, if you've got the words then let's go, we shan't tarry here any longer." Kakashi held up the words. Itachi nodded and then disappeared in a cloud of smoke, the steam from the grate providing enough cover for him to slink away.

Now, to start chapter 2.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Kakashi clung to the letters in his hands, turning them over.

C H A P T E R T W O

Suddenly, the letters floated up into the air, rapidly multiplying and dividing into smaller fractions of the words they once were. By the time Kakashi could even react, the letters(now quite a few more than before) formed a letter. Kakashi stuck his hand into the air and grabbed it. Itachi had finally noticed what was going on.

"What the fuck is that rubbish?" he said, uncharacteristically puffing on a cigarette.

Kakashi just shook his head. "I don't know, but I'll read it to you, seeing eyes—as, I meant as... Anyway:

Dear fangirls, we are terribly sorry for what may or may not have happened in the last chapter, if you caught our drift. In addition, your fears may be calmed now, you have no reason to suspect anything else including the one-eye and the red-eye will ever happen again here. That is all. Thank you for reading this.

Sincerely, your stalkers."

"What the hell? Why would something like that show up here?" Itachi exhaled. "This place is really starting to mess with my mind. I need to get back to Kisame."

Kakashi sent him a blank stare. "Looking like that?"

Flames rose around Itachi. "Looking like what? What is wrong with the way I look?"

"Nevermind."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Kisame blundered up to his flat in Scranton, a town lost in the bowels of Pennsylvania. He jumbled his keys around in his pocket. He pulled them out and shoved them into the lock, swearing at nothing in particular.

Kisame's flat was rather bare. There was cluttered furniture scattered around the room, and most of that furniture was worn couches. A faint fish smell hung in the air. Throwing some groceries he'd been carrying on his kitchen table, Kisame stepped in. He sighed and made his way along the right wall, being careful not to step on anything. A thing about Kisame: he was a perfectionist. In fact, that was the pick up line he'd used to snag Itachi: "Everything must be perfect for me, and you are perfect."

Kisame finally got to his bedroom. He took a few steps in and landed on his bed. "Damn Itachi, making me come all the way home..."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"...Nara?"

"Yeah?" Nara said, driving around an abandoned Stop&Shop.

"There's good news...and then there's some really shitty news."

Nara ran over a few bums, taking his Useless Anger out on the homeless. "Good news first."

"All right!! Well, our men found Itachi and the one-eye on a train!"

"...That's all the good news you have?"

"Yes. I believe it to be extremely relevant."

"You're an asshole." Nara said to a bum.

"Huh? I didn't quite catch you there."

"Nothing Asuma. Give me the shitty news."

Asuma leaned back in his chair. "Ok. We lost them."

"Sweet release!"

"...Nara?"

"Nothing." (Was still talking to the bum as he put his Useless Anger away) "anyway, I see how that classifies as shitty news. There must be an explanation for this."

"Apparently, the one-eye was the one that saved Itachi."

"...No."

"What?"

"He was traveling with Itachi you idiot. The one-eye didn't want his partner to snitch on him if he was caught, so he brought him along."

"That makes sense! How'd you get so smart, Nara?"

Nara took a right turn and pushed a cigarette in his mouth. "I saw the future."

"Really?"

"Of course not you dumbass. How am I supposed to see the future?"

"Good point."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Itachi?" Kakashi asked, looking worriedly at the red-eye. Itachi was clutching his back, and muttering strange noises while he did so.

"Huh? Oh, it's nothing Kakashi. I just need to rest my back a bit. We need to get to Kisame's as soon as possible though, so don't expect too long a wait." Kakashi nodded, and Itachi slumped back onto the brick wall they had been standing by.

"...Kakashi?"

Kakashi looked at him. "Yes?"

"...Do you think I'll ever be able to get rid of this...new turn to my body?"

"I don't see why you'd want to. If I were you, I'd have fun with myself."

Itachi turned red. "But you're not me you fuck eye, so don't fucking talk like that.

Kakashi sent him a blank stare. "...Okay."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Nara, sorry to call you again so soon, but I've got some pressing news."

Nara sighed. "What is it?"

"Let me finish ironing my clothes okay?"

Nara sighed again. "Fine."

"...Nara, you still there?"

"Of course I am, now what is this pressing news?"

"We've got a new member! Here, I'll add his line to our conversation."

A few minutes passed.

"Hello?"

"There. I finally got his line on."

Nara flicked his cigarette out of the window of his car. "Hello new recruit."

"Hey! My names Iruka!"

"...A little fast isn't he, Asuma?"

"Eh. I blame it on the eagerness. Though, he is pretty special."

"Why is that?"

"I know Kaka—the one-eyes cell phone number.

Asuma gripped his desk. "How'd you get a thing like that?"

"I already told you."

"Say it again, Nara hasn't heard it."

"Okay! I'm the one-eyes boyfriend!"

Nara's jaw dropped open. "Are you shitting me?"

"Nope. My pants are completely clean."

Nara sweatdropped. "Not what I meant. But, you can be very useful...Wait, one thing I don't understand, why are you hunting after him if you're his boyfriend?"

"Oh, that's easy! I saw him with a red-eyed bastard. If he cheats on me I'll rip his guts out, and he will feel Pein!"

Asuma let go of his desk and picked up a pen. "Didn't you spell pain wrong?"

"Nope. He will. But not if he hasn't cheated! When I catch him, I'm gonna give him a proper spanking."

Nara took three left turns and went right. "You're kinda freaky, you know that?"

Iruka shrugged. "It's my job."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Kisame woke up, fondling his gold fish. He pulled his hand out of his pants and rubbed his eyes.

"If I know anything about Itachi, he'll be here before lunchtime. What should I make for lunch though?...Lamb's eye stew! He loves that." Kisame got off his bed and stretched a bit, then he went to the bathroom for his morning routine.

Once he was done with that, he crawled back out to his spotless living room, to find Itachi and the one-eye sitting on sofas in his living room. But he didn't pay attention to them. His eyes were fixed upon the trail of mud leading from the front door to the one-eye' shoes.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUCKING DOING?!?!?!" Itachi just looked on in amusement.

Kakashi pointed a finger to himself. "Me?"

"YES YOU! YOU FUCKING TRACKED MUD ALL OVER MY 'FUCKING' FLOOR!" Kisame pointed to the piles of mud where Kakashi had stepped.

Kakashi though, was preoccupied with something else. "What do you mean, you're 'fucking' floor? Itachi, care to elaborate?"

Itachi blushed. "Well, we occasionally fuck on the floor."

Unfortunately, this caused Kisame's attention to shift to Itachi. "DEAR GOD ITACHI. WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU?!?!" Itachi looked down, yes, at his breasts.

Itachi scratched the side of his face. "...The operation didn't go as planned."

Kisame settled down. "I can see that. But how did that happen? You went in there to get you're appendix removed."

Itachi shrugged. "I don't know. My appendix is removed..."

"Who were the doctors? There was Tsunade, Shizune, and...Orochimaru. Damn! It must have been him." Kisame slammed his fist on a table.

"Kisame, please, just because he tried to steal my body before, and he raped me, and he licked me, and he was mad when you saved me...you're right. It was him."

Kakashi, wanting to be of some use in some way, pulled out two safety pins and threw them hard at Itachi's boobs. He was satisfied when they popped. Itachi and Kisame stared at him.

"I knew it. Balloons."

"What? Like there was balloons under my skin?" Kisame pulled the two rubbers out of Itachi. "Yep balloons. I'm so relieved."

"Next time," Kakashi started, "tell him to use helium. They give it a better lift and bounce."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

"Nara, are you ready?"

"Yes Asuma."

"We've tracked the one-eye's phone signal to a flat in Scranton. Most of our units are in Scranton right now."

"Wait," Nara lit a cigarette, "why were they in Scranton?"

"They wanted to do some sight-seeing. Anyway, are you there?"

"I'm parking outside of the complex right now."

"Good, tell me how it goes."

A few minutes passed.

"Asuma?"

Asuma pulled his feet off of his desk. "How'd it go?"

"Good. At the current moment, Iruka is spanking the one-eye, he's an expert by the way; Itachi and some Kisame character are in custody--" A loud boom sounded as the side of a containment was hit. "--I think they're enjoying that; and I'm just sitting here."

"That's great; did you find anything weird?"

"Well, we found two pieces of rubber soaked in blood that we suspect to be balloons."

"Ew. That's disgusting Nara."

"Tell that to the guy who picked them up. He's scarred for life."

"...Good job anyway, Nara. You'll get a promotion for sure after all this."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

The end.


End file.
